8/10/12

Got called in to work today. 

I don't know why I answered the phone.  Just before she handed it to me Sarah said she thought it was work because of the area code.  I answered it anyway.  They have asked me many time while I am at work if I am interested in picking up extra shifts and I always say no.  Today though they had someone leaving and were short for 6 hours, would I mind coming in?  Guilt got me and I went. 

I spent the entire day resenting the fact that I was at work.  I constantly thought about other things I could be doing.  Every little annoyance became much larger.  My attitude sucked. 

I don't like work.  Well, I don't like working for other people.  Big surprise right?  Nursing has been good to me, don't get me wrong.  There is a great upside to this gig.  Especially in the ED.  You see some pretty profound things.  Still, I spend my time making money for other people.  I do things on their orders and I don't like it. 

Still do it, don't like it.

I have had chances to do other things.  Hell, I have done other things, several other things.  All of them felt like work and all of them seemed like an intrusion on my real life.  I somewhat envy those people that are so energized and excited by what they do that they wake up eager to go to work.  I somewhat suspect they aren't real too though.  Hell, even if it was that way, then you would be eager to get up and leave your family.  That doesn't seem right either.

You know, I had a shot once to make a try at becoming a guitarist.  It was a small shot, but legitimate.  When I worked for the Osmonds and stood in for their guitarist for a while.  I could have taken that opportunity like I did the audio engineer opportunity and learned enough that I could make it a real job, but I didn't because I was afraid that it would become work and then it would suck.  Probably a good thing.

The only thing I ever did that I really felt energized and excited to do that could have been considered work, was acting.  Rehearsal was never work, it was play.  The actual performance was awesome.  I thought long and hard about trying to do that for a living and even made one half-assed, pathetic attempt to move to California and give it a shot.  I spent a few months sleeping on the floor in a friend's house.  It came to an end when his kid asked when I was leaving so he could have his play room back. 

I was never really encouraged by my family when it came to acting.  They were supportive in a way that communicated to me that this was a cute hobby, but not something you spent your life doing.  That is how it seemed to me anyway.

I was actually pretty good at acting I think.  In high school I got pretty much every part I tried out for.  I won an award or two.  I really enjoyed it.  There were rumors around the school from some of the kids that I had some 'special' relationship with the female drama teacher of the day , Mrs. Davis.  I always thought she just thought I was a good actor. 

One day, Senior year, I decided, fuck it.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  I am going to be an actor.  I want this.  So I went to my teacher for a little encouragement.  Hell, I got all the parts, everyone supposed we had this great relationship.  I wanted to know if she thought I had what it took.  I waited until after a rehearsal for a play.  After everyone was gone I made excuses to stick around long enough to build up the courage and asked her.

"Mrs. Davis, do you think I have what it takes to move to Holly wood and make a living as an actor?"

She paused, wrinkled her nose up a little and replied.

"Well...you don't really have that leading man kind of face." 

It sat there like a turd on the table.  I muttered a 'uh..oh' and left.  I wonder now what a difference that one little remark made.  I later turned down a scholarship offer for an acting scholarship at a nearby school.  I chose to go to the larger state school because it would be better for parties.  I wasn't really good enough to be a 'real' actor anyway. 

My acting teacher at OU said I had one of the best perspectives of any actor he had seen coming through his class.  I had a great understanding of the craft, but seemed to lack motivation.  I went back to my dorm and got high.  Lasted one whole semester. 

I did some community theater later, nothing much though.  It still amazes me how big a thing that all was to me and Sarah has seen me do it.  I think if we settle down somewhere I might audition for a community theater.  For the fun of it. 


Shouldn't have answered the phone.